Who is Vern?

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I chose to spend the bulk of this post discussing the virtues of a man that has become steeped in Christmas tradition, a man that people have discussed for years and years, and a man that I heard about frequently, especially back in the 80s. The mysterious man, of course, is Vern. Here are the few things that we know about him (based principally on the testimony of one of his closest friends):

--He is actually a nuclear physicist (his friend Ernest explained to his friend, a teenage hoodlum, that he actually taught Vern "all that he knows" about nuclear physics).

--He lives in a house with stone decor in Orlando, most likely built in the mid-sixties.

--He apparently "throws the greatest parties" according to Ernest. Incidentally, when Ernest dropped by to visit Vern, he was preparing to have a Christmas party. He had a punch bowl ready, and was listening to Handel's "Messiah" on the record player, until Ernest unwittingly sabotaged Vern's power supply by nearly electrocuting him.

--According to Seth Applegate, AKA Santa Claus, Vern was one of Ernest's best friends and supposedly "grew up" with Ernest. However, the relationship has apparently grown sour with the passing of time, as evidenced by his rejection of Ernest when he unexpectedly showed up at his house on the eve of Dec. 23.

--He has lived his life in such a way, or has such a strong personality, that he has assumed much of Ernest's free time. In fact, even when he isn't there, Ernest refers to him as if he were talking to him, as evidenced by his hypothetical expression: "Know what I mean, Vern?"

--As far as we know, Vern may not be anything more than a faceless entity, or even a figment of Ernest's imagination. However, this theory may be debunked because Ernest has the company of the transient girl when he visits Vern's house. Still, her testimony to Vern's existence is shaky at best, due to her status as a pathological liar, as well as an unsavory character. I mean, come on, she tried to rob Santa Claus. A theory that I would like to raise is that 'Vern' possibly is an
allusion to Jules Verne, the famous science fiction author, and is ultimately an appeal to Ernest's imaginative side. Perhaps Ernest's failure to come to grips with reality embodies itself in the Verne allusion, or the persona of the aforementioned 'Vern'.

--For further speculation on the existence and identity of Vern, please refer to the motion picture "Ernest Saves Christmas."

Inesperada

Escribo por la mujer
Quien quebró el corazón
Mio

Entró en la vida inesperada
Con los ojos misteriosos
Y dedos cómo las alas de una paloma
Te juro que tuvo corazón de una santa

Juntos, entramos en la puerta
De la felicidad
Con luz brillante
Atrás de ella
Lleno con los rayos gloriosos

La vida es un tiempo breve de tristeza
Y en ella ahora estoy
Para aprender como padecer
Y despues de eso, me voy

Cada día veo cosas famosas
Personas que conocen la fama
Pero ellos no duran siempre
Sólo existe la dama

En mi vida entró con sonrisa
Me tocó con mucha bondad
Pero se fue en el fin a toda prisa
Y me dejó en mucha soledad

Nunca me explicó porque lo hizo
Nunca tuve la oportunidad
Para encontrar en mi vida la razón
Me llenó ella con felicidad

¿Pero pórque me asombró?
Yo muchas veces la había visto
Pero nunca me communicó
Nunca me dijó la más importante

?.?.?

Apparently, we are all interested in ourselves.